03.23.09
Four Years….
Today marks four years since Carol left us for a much
better place. Four years…1,460 days. It’s still surreal.
This milestone of sorts was the last thing I thought
about last night, when we laid our exhausted bodies
down around 11:15 pm in Grand Rapids, MI, and, it was
one of my first thoughts when the alarm cruelly went
off at 3:30 this morning to catch our first flight towards
home at 6:10 am.
When the exact moment arrived, 11:58 this morning, we
were on a plane, the last one for home. This is the first
year that I wasn’t at the cemetery to mark the moment.
And sitting next to me was the girl who has taken a
shattered heart, mended it with uncommon love, and who
has filled every corner of our lives. Mechanical problems
delayed our arrival back in Myrtle Beach by an hour, but
it was Dawna who gently and kindly told me that before
we got back to our home, we needed to stop by the
cemetery. And so, we did. We looked at Carol’s name,
her birth date, and the one engraved under it on the
headstone - March 23, 2005. Four years, and I can still
hardly believe it. When I turned to walk away to our car,
Dawna lingered, so I waited for her. When she joined me,
she was in tears. I asked her why she was crying, and
her answer is one of the reasons why I’m so in love with
her. She said “I just thanked Carol for bringing three
amazing kids into the world, for being their Mom, and for
loving them.” At this point, she really broke, and when
she gained some composure, she said “And, I thanked her
for loving you for all of those years, and for saving you for
me.” I had no idea what to say to that. This is the difficult
part.
Had you been in Grand Rapids this last weekend, you
would have heard about some of the ways that God has
worked in me over these last four years. It was so much
on my mind, that these thoughts wound themselves into
several of my six messages. I struggle with all of this…
how can I be so happy now, just four years after the
devastated landscape that was my life then? At times,
there are almost guilt feelings, and it helps more than
I’m able to express that Dawna has been through this
herself. We both believe that it’s important to remember
the milestones of our lives, both good and bad. Our first
spouses were the parents of our five children. We shared
all of the joys and many of the trials of life together, for
25 and 28 years, respectively. Our paths were fairly
different in those days, before we ever knew each other,
to be sure. But, the important things remain: we each
have histories there. And, not only would it be sad to
forget the past, it would be terribly unfair to their
memories. So, we each grow sad when certain dates
come around, but these are just interspersed between
long stretches of wonder ful happiness and joy. We also
know that today, Carol would want me to be happy,
above all. Three different times during her illness - the
last time, just 2-1/2 weeks before she died - she told
me firmly that she wanted me to remarry, and to be
happy. And, while I never expected it, and honestly
stopped looking for it, God had other plans.
And so, today, four years later, I pause to remember
a real wonderful girl, who we remember with grateful,
thankful, and full hearts. She sacrificed tremendously,
in ways that only eternity will reveal. She did indeed
have the yeoman’s share of raising three amazing kids.
And, she prepared me to be a guy who would yearn to
be loved, and to love, again. So, while the dark and
terrible, frightening days are now several years past,
life today is incredible. And I know very firsthand about
the goodness of God. I am a blessed man; I had 28 years
married to an amazing Christian girl, and now I’ve had ten
months to be married to another. They’re very different,
to be sure, but in all of the important things, they are far
more alike than in how they differed.
Four years. I still can’t really believe it. I’m different, and
likely will always be now; but life is wonderful, and so are
the memories.
Carol - Dawna, the kids, and I all join today to remember
and honor you. Keep on enjoying Heaven, being in His
very presence, and wait for us all. One day, girl…one day,
I cannot wait for you and Dawna to meet. Somehow I
know that you’ll love her. You wished her for me, and for
that incredible and selfless gift, I love you still. I wish you
could give Mom and Dad my love too. They would have
loved Dawna too, just as they loved you.
It just all makes Heaven seem so much nearer, and with-
out a doubt, so much dearer of a certainty.
To any and all who read this, take as long as necessary,
and hug and kiss those who you love the most. Life is so
short, and so very uncertain. It does go on, and will, until
the day when precious dust is gloriously fashioned anew,
bursts from the grave, the sea, and from the ashes, and
leads the charge to the air, forever to be with the Lord.
Until then, we only have the memories. And today, four
years later, they’re beyond precious.