06.27.07

If You Could Do It All Over Again….

Posted in Random Musings at 8:23 pm

I had a 451 mile round trip today, which took me to a place I vowed I’d never go to again. But life has this funny way of making us eat our words, doesn’t it? I drove my car for this trip, since it gets nearly twice the gas mileage that my SUV does. My car has a 6-disc CD changer, so I just grabbed one of those loaded CD boxes, and away I went.

I was headed for Durham, NC, specifically to the hospital where Carol spent more than 80 days over seven hospitalizations, and for eight surgeries. When we’d left there, ten days before she died, I made the vow…”Never again. Never again”. That changed last Sunday night.

My great friend Ron had a pretty terrible accident that night. He’s a very fortunate man, and will be fine one day, doctors are convinced. And that’s marvelous news. Ron has been there with me and for me, in some of my happiest as well as some of my darkest days. A real friend. He’s my scuba diving buddy and my Harley riding buddy too. A quiet man, who listens and watches a whole lot more than he speaks. But often when he does have something to say, it’s powerful. And now it was my turn to be there for him, and with him, when his world had turned upside down. I must admit to being fairly “tight” as I drove north this morning. It hadn’t been a good week on my end either, frankly. My “baby daughter” (even though she’s 28 and married) had a fairly bad car accident herself just the day before Ron’s, and certain complications resulted from that. Other things had contributed to the general disquiet that I’d been feeling, but now, I must come back to the cartridge of CD’s that I loaded in my car this morning.

Have you ever heard the expression “They’re playing our song”? Do you have an “our song”? Carol and I had two…one Christian, and one secular. Some time back, I’d bought a Greatest Hits CD of a pop group that was my favorite back in my college days. Listening to it brought back some amazing memories; some good, some not so good. One of the songs was “our song”, at least the secular one. That was the main reason I’d bought it…it was the first song I ever sang to Carol, accompanied by my guitar, overlooking Biscayne Bay in Miami. A long time ago. When I shuffled through the available CD’s this morning, there it was, and so I listened to it, most of the songs, anyway. People who love music seem to associate songs with events and times of life, I think. So, those old songs from the ’70s took me back in time.

And then, I got to the hospital. From memories 30 years old, to memories much more recent. So much came back, of course; the parking garage, that long walkway, the elevators, the lobby, at times feeling like I’d been there last month, and at other times, like it had been a lifetime ago. As I was leaving, I asked Ron’s wife Brenda to take the elevator with me, up to the 7th floor; specifically to the 7700 unit, where Carol had spent over 80 of her last days. We made it as far as I needed to go, to the end of “her” hallway, and just looked down it. I’m one who needs to confront things, and once I do, I can deal with them better. And then, it was time to go.

I didn’t listen to any music driving home. It was a thinking time. We’re all the
same, aren’t we? All of us can look back over times of victory, and times of
defeat. I remembered my college days and how I’d felt that life could just never
be as busy or stressful as it was in finals weeks. And five years, one mortgage,
two kids and two car payments later, college life seemed like no more than a
kindergarten picnic! And the more I thought, the more I wondered…”What would
be different, if I had the chance to live it all over again?” I’ll bet you’ve thought
the same things. At the core, thoughts like these are exercises in futility, as we
can’t ever go back. Fittingly, Gloria Gaither seemed to sum it up best: “Yester-
day’s gone and tomorrow may never come. But we have this moment, today.”
Ah…yes. Maybe it isn’t so futile after all. Maybe we can look over the past and
learn, and let life teach us in the here and now. And, if God grants us a number
of “nows”, then we can build from the past and with His help, become better in
every way. We all probably have past glories that we’d love to relive. It’s why
70 year-old men still have several “The Few, The Proud, The Marines” stickers
on their car. It serves to remind them, and others, that they were once young,
fit, trained and fearless soldiers. On the flip side, I’d think we all also have times
that we’d like to re-do. We don’t flaunt these. They’re the private, and often
haunting memories of past failures. So, here’s the question: If you could do it
all over again, what would you change? When my Dad was alone in the nursing
home, and Mom was up in Heaven, I asked Dad if he ever wished he was young
again. At first, he said No. And after some time, he said “If I could have the
wisdom and experience that I had at 50, maybe I’d like to be able to relive my
first 40 years.” Powerful, that. I thought a lot on the wisdom of those words
today. That’s how it was with my Dad. Like Ron, he often just sat and watched,
and listened. But when he spoke, he could say some memorable things.

Do you remember George Burns, the comedian/actor/singer? Something about
him intrigued me. Maybe it was that he lived to be 100, or maybe it was that
his first hit record was recorded when he was 84. He had a distinctive voice,
and I recall the first time I heard his smash hit on the radio, entitled “I Wish I
was Eighteen Again”. Some time afterwards, I saw that he was to appear on a
TV variety show, and I watched hoping that he’d sing that song. And sure
enough, I wasn’t disappointed. Out he came, a diminutive, frail little old man,
with a black tux that seemed way too big for him, those thick, round glasses,
the terrible toupee, and he sang that song. It was so poignant - his age
gave it a credibility that no 50 year-old man could ever have copied. “I’ll
never again turn the young ladies’ heads, Or go running off into the wind.
I’m three-quarters home from the start to the end, And I Wish I Was Eighteen
Again/ Oh I wish I was eighteen again, And going where I’ve never been. But
old folks, and old oaks, standing tall, just pretend; Oh I Wish I Was Eighteen
Again/ Time turns the pages, and life goes so fast; The years turn the dark
hair all gray. I talk to some young folks, but they don’t understand, The
words this old man’s got to say/ Now I wish I was eighteen again, And
going where I’ve never been. But old folks, and old oaks, standing tall,
just pretend; How I wish I was eighteen again”. Does any of this feel at
all familiar? As I drove down I-95 today, I wondered how Mr. Burns would
answer this from eternity…”If you could do it all over again, what would
be different the next time?”

I think the Apostle Paul gave us some indirect help on this. He wrote in
Philippians 3:13-14. “…But this one thing I do, forgetting those things that are
behind, and reaching forward unto the things that are before, I press toward the
mark for the prize of the high calling of God in Christ Jesus.” Forgetting things
that are past…to me, this means both our successes and our failures. Some
people in later years have been stalled, basking in successes more than half a
lifetime ago. But far more of us are probably stalled from past failures. We
can’t seem to do what God has chosen to do concerning our sins and failures -
remember them no more. There they lurk, haunting us; with an enemy who
loves to bring them up and taunt us with them. And all the while, God is
blissfully unaware of them, as they’re covered by the blood of His Son. If
we had the chance, say, to again live the week leading up to this or that
failure, we’d sure do things a whole lot differently, wouldn’t we?

But, yesterday’s gone, isn’t it? And tomorrow may never come; but we
have THIS moment - right here and right now - today. And as the old
adage says, those who refuse to learn from history are doomed to repeat it.

If I could start life over again, yes…much would change. I know that if on
the day Carol and I stood before God and many witnesses and said “I Do”,
I’d learned that in less than 28 years I’d have to say goodbye to her, I would
have still run down the aisle to marry her. And, there are our children. Each
of them distinct and different, yet as a trio, they’re wonderfully complimentary.
I wouldn’t want any of that to change, except to have had the luxury of Carol
and I growing old together. But some things sure would have been done
differently. I would have traveled less, spent less time when home on hobbies,
and more time with four precious people who have moved on in various ways.
I’d love to have the chance to make the right decisions this time rather than
ones I did make. And yet, all of these combine to make each of us that individual
that we are. They form us, mold us, and when God steps in, they serve to make
us better people, less judgmental, possibly more cautious, occasionally more daring.

As I was nearing home this evening, it hit me. Not a single thing in my life
caught God by surprise. All of it was part of His plan, and each success and
failure has been used to mold me, at times break me, and make me anew.
Maybe even a new and improved model. I’m not what I might have been, but
I’m not what I will be one day. Yet each of us is exactly who God knew we’d
be, we’re where He ultimately decided to place us. And our personalities -
formed through the years of what is and has been, and not what might have
been - is just how He knew we’d be. I’d still love to go back to being eighteen
again, but only to be able to relive the years with any wisdom and experience
that life has imparted to me now. You were right, Dad.

Lessons lived should become lessons learned. Failures forge stronger
foundations. So let’s all - with God’s help, say Carpe Diem! Seize the day.
THIS day. It’s really all that we have, and all that we’re promised, down
here at least.

Press on…

Alan

06.12.07

Home

Posted in Random Musings at 10:35 pm

Since my last posting, things have continued along busily. I spent four days in
Ontario; first at a men’s conference in Guelph, which was quite a neat exper-
ience. To hear hundreds of men stand and sing, accompanied by a great pianist,
was like a slice of Heaven. God gave real help. I spent the Sunday morning in
Markham, ON, and was able to visit with some good friends that I hadn’t seen in
several years. A highlight of the morning was being able to sing a duet on “My
Redeemer” with my great buddy Doug Jones, of the Watchmen Quartet. Doug
recorded that song on a solo album some years back, and he shamelessly stole
my arrangement! LOL We’ve been able to sing it together a few times. And,
twice that same day! In the afternoon, after dinner with my dear friends
Bill and Naomi Yuille, we journeyed towards the north, where Paul and Tim
Anderson met us and took me the rest of the way up to Barrie, ON. I gave a
concert that night, and the building was almost completely packed. What a
night…when my normal time of an hour and twenty minutes was up, I still had
two songs left on my schedule. So, I asked the folks if I could sing them, and
several people called out for me to go for another half hour! So, I did just that…
33 more minutes. It was just a wonderful time. Doug and Lois Jones and their
daughter Karen, came up for the concert, and so we reprised our duet on “My
Redeemer” again. Twice in a day…if we’d had the chance to do it a third time,
I think we’d finally have the kinks ironed out of it!

Last weekend I drove the whole trip, for the first time in about 6 weeks. This
was a 1019 mile roundtrip to our original commending church, New Hampshire
Avenue Gospel Chapel, in Silver Spring, MD. The honest truth is, it was good
to be able to drive again. Flying is just such a nuisance these days. I always
have to smile when I meet people who think what we do is “glamorous”! So,
I’ll let you in on a little secret - it’s not. After maybe 6 months, there ain’t
much glamorous about it, I promise. All of the road warriors out there know
exactly what I mean. But, the weekend in MD and VA was really good, and
I got home safely last evening.

Home. I guess this is no surprise to you, but “home” doesn’t mean the same to
me these days. Not by a longshot. I pulled into my driveway, and went to unlock
the door, and walked into an empty house. I do this all the time these days, and
I think I should be getting used to it. But, I haven’t. The grass was fairly long, a
thing that would never have happened several years ago. The only sound that I
heard was the a/c running. There were no kids coming to welcome me home,
and above all, no Carol. I can so perfectly picture the way she’d come to me
when I returned from a trip alone; that million-dollar smile, and eyes that told
me all that I needed to see. No, I haven’t gotten used to this. At all. I think it’s
finally sinking in…I’ll never get used to what home “means” these days. My house
is basically the same. I haven’t done that much to it, after all. It still stands
strong, every wall inside still bears the signature of the Interior Designer who
I shared it with. But, she’s missing, and my kids - none of whom are kids
anymore -have moved on with their lives. I don’t mean to whine. Please forgive
me if it’s coming across that way, will you?

Perhaps this is what we need to really refocus us on the true meaning of Home.
The old spiritual says “This world is not my home, I’m just a-passin’ through.” If
this world isn’t home, then neither are our houses “home”. Oh, they are - in the
transient, temporary sense. They provide us shelter, peace, protection, and for
many, our greatest investment. They may be small or large, fine or not, built on
large tracts of land or tiny plots. Two homes that look identical on the outside
may be so differently decorated that it’s nearly impossible to realize that they’re
the same elevation and floor plan. To us, for now, they’re home. For the Christ-
ian, however, they’re the fleeting domains of the sojourner. I’ve met older folks
who have only lived in their one home for their entire lives. And, I’ve met some
who have moved so often, that they have it down to a fine art.

The favorite song on my last CD, “I Dream of Heaven”, is probably “Homesick”.
Bart Millard, of the super Contemporary Christian group MercyMe, wrote those
poignant lyrics after his Dad died of cancer, and two other group members lost
loved ones. The chorus is powerful: “I close my eyes, and I see your face. If
home is where the heart is, then I’m out of place….” I don’t think the emotions
of home versus Home can be expressed any better.

And so it is…We’re really out of place. Some of us receive more reminders of
this than others, but this is the lesson we must learn, isn’t it? Regardless of
what our Passports say, our citizenship is in Heaven. We’re here for as long as
the Lord decides, with one overriding purpose, to be ambassadors for Him. I sat
on a flight once with the wife of a U.S. Ambassador. I asked her during the flight
if she could describe her husband’s responsibilities as an Ambassador, in just
one sentence. She was quite thoughtful for some moments, and when she
answered it, her words were so profound that I wrote them down. She said
“My husband’s responsibilities as an Ambassador are to represent the interests
of his home country, while he’s a temporary resident in another land.” Could
anyone better state what our responsibilities are?! We aren’t here permanently,
but while we are in this earthly home, we’re here to represent the interests of
our home country.

Home. Heaven. Where we’ll be with Him, and like Him, and there will never again
be goodbyes. No more walking into an empty house, no more emptiness. Never
again will we feel a sense of loss and aloneness. Those who were poor will share
a mansion with those who left one behind, and those who only wish they could
sing right now, will sound like Larry Ford up there! (Which makes me wonder how
good Larry will sound in Heaven!) This is no pipe dream, or, as some skeptics
will tell you, a crutch for the weak. No - this is a promise, from the God Whose
every promise tends to come true. “If I go away, I will come again and receive
you unto Myself; that where I am, there you may be also.”

It’s almost enough to make you happy, isn’t it?! And this is what I think, when I
walk in here after every trip these days. It’s become a mantra of sorts…”Only
for a little while”. And then, I try to sing another chorus from the last CD, the
great Dallas Holm song: “There’s more - more than we’ve ever dreamed.
There’s more - more than we’ve imagined. There’s a brand new world that lies
before us, Heaven’s Home is waiting for us, with more - More than we’ve ever
dreamed.”

So, until morning comes, and we all gather Home, be encouraged. And let’s all
keep our thoughts on Home. Home IS where the heart is.

Blessings…

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